Cleanse Day Nine

Well, today went by much easier than I expected and I am very happy to be much closer to eating solid food again. I was feeling really toxic again today and my allergies were kicking my butt. I really didn't want to go to practice, but still went anyway. I figured they needed people to show up since there is a game on Saturday, even if I can't go. I am now starting to think I shouldn't have bothered.
Practice was going ok and I was feeling really run down but still gave it the effort. Until a particular player (who tends to do fucked up things to other players at practice pulled me and I landed on my knee. Now I understand that maybe he's trying to get us more prepared for playing, but I just felt it was completely unecessary. After that, my knee was pretty fucked up, but I still kept trying to go. Now my cleats have been poking through on my left shoe and it hurts like hell to run in them, even with Dr. Scholl's in there. Anyway, I ended up leaving because I thought my cleanse was slipping out. I got to the car to change my shoe and lifted my right foot to rest on my knee while I untied and took of my shoe. Damn, it hurt like hell when it touched my knee (the one I landed on). I just became very angry at that point and asked myself, "Why am I doing this?"

I didn't have an answer.

I guess my heart just isn't in it anymore.

Master Cleanse Day 8

Lord AM I HUNGRY!!!

I heard from people that by this point, they don't even think of food. Ever since I went to Jodie's wedding (which was freaking amazing,really, the most awesome wedding I've ever attended), I've been wanting to. Still I am excited that I've had the self-control not to eat since Sunday of last week. I can barely believe it myself, I even asked for prayer to get me through the next last three days of it. Wednesday will be my last day and I'm trying to decide if it's bittersweet or not. When I'm stuffing tacos into my face I'm sure that bitter part will be long gone.
Tomorrow I'm guessing will be the day when all the weird chain of caca comes out of me, that was the whole reason I was doing this. To get the stuff built up on my intestinal wall removed.
On the bright side, I've lost 13 pounds and my joints feel much better. I breathe much easier and I smell EVERYTHING!
I have been told that when you have craving for something while you're on the cleanse, it means your body is cleaning out the toxins was left behing by those things giving you the cravings. I guess my body is cleaning out food from my system.
Anyway, two days left!

Master Cleanse

If you didn't already know, Wayne (a co-worker and friend of mine) talked me into doing the master cleanse with him. The one where you drink a lemonade made with Maple Syrup, Lemon Juice and Cayenne Pepper. Before bed, you're advised to take senna leaf tea and in the morning a salt water flush (a liter of lukewarm water with a tablespoon of sea salt added).
I'm on day six. And you're right, the only thing I've ingested since Sunday night has been that lemonade and aside from what I listed above, a cup of mint tea (that was a serious treat).
If you're not familiar with Michael Losier, he wrote the book The Law of Attraction The Science of Getting More of What You Want and Less of What You Don't.
Anyway, we hung out with him on Wednesday and he's a pretty cool guy to hang around with. We talked about me being on the master cleanse and that he's also done it about three times. He told me a little about what I shoud expect and explained that he was impressed by the fact that I as able to sit with people who eating and not eat a thing, myself.
Anyway, I went his seminar at Celebrate Your Life, with was wonderful. The part that was not so wonderful was that day five must have been the day your body starts kicking out some REALLY nasty stuff. I as bloated, REALLY bloated. I've also noticed on day 2 or 3 that my sense of smell has been dramatically hightened. I've also noticed I'm coughing up a LOT of mucus.
Anyway, I was fairly ok in the morning, but in the after noon, the gas decided for me that it would be making it's exit. I somehow managed to keep myself from running out of the Sheraton screaming like a tranny banshee and finished listening to the seminar. Luckily the people in front of me made hasty exit. After they left, I got up to try to leave and as I was walking away I let a very silent and even more deadly one slip out. I smelled. BAD! Anyway, Eric wanted me to talk with some other people that our Law of Attraction group meets in Tempe, to get more people to show up. Well, while we were talking, an other one slipped. I smelled SO bad, it smelled as though someone took a nasty shit in the middle of the room. It was time for me to leave.
On the bright side, Thursday was the last day the salt water flush would burn on it's way out (also called a "hot stool"), I read that when this happens it's because your body is kicking out A LOT of toxins.
By the way, I'm down 13 pounds since Monday. At this point, I'm wondering if I can make 14 days. I'm told that is the duration of time it takes to get rid of irritable bowel syndrome.

Hmmm.......

Last Saturday's Game

Last Saturday was our game against Thunderbird. The ball is just behind one of my feet. The next one is me making my first tackle in the game, I'm in white. The first one is us winning a scrum. This last picture is from a ruck, that's me on the ground trying to keep the ball on our side.
What really sucked was that they had this Samoan family on their team that isn't part of their team. They actually play for a team in Gilbert, which is a few divisions above us.
Maybe next time they'll bring their own players.

Later at the drink up, I decided I'd have my first drink in about a week and a half. Normally, I drink light beer, if I can be convinced to drink it. I saw someone brought Stella and decided to have a drink. It ended up making me feel really gross. I told Tony I was feeling like I was going to have to throw up. He said I should just get it over with. I did, except it couldn't just be a little bit of vomit. It was like, projectile. Three times. (I'd once heard that sometimes when vomiting, people can release on the back end, too and crap their pants, this made me a little weary.).
I did feel better after that.
Later a few of us were sitting around talking and this guy who has had some drama with me decided it was a good time to tell everyone I'd slept with his boyfriend (incidently, the guy that was his boyfriend told me they weren't together when I did, when I did find out they were together I stopped talking to him). I responded by telling him that he knows what he got with his boyfriend and that if he hasn't figured it out by now it's his own problem.

Later we went to Mary Coyle's for ice cream. Ruben told me that I didn't hear what he told the guy. He said that he was pissed of that the guy said that in front of everyone trying to make me look bad. Anyway, I'd gotten up to use the restroom and Ruben told him, and I quote as closely as I can, "Uh, *said person* slept with half the team," and he went on to mention that he needs to get off my back. He also told me that it got very uncomfortable within the group after that.

I'd already considered Ruben to be a good friend, but this really solidifies it.

I did tell Ruben however, that I knew they all knew the story and that I really didn't care what the guy said or thought about me. If he wants to be stupid and stay with someone who is probably screwing around on him as we speak, it's his own stupid fault.

So I Prayed About It

This last week, while at church, there was a guest pastor was introduced as an ex-homosexual who is now married and has nine kids. I forgot the term they used, but it was along the lines of "cured" or recovered. This sent me into an internal conflict I haven't seen since I was 18 years old and came out to my mother. I felt heaviness on my and asked God to tell me what is right and what is not.

He answered.

He helped me realize that I wasn't afraid of what how he felt toward me, but how THEY felt toward me. The people at my church don't know, yet, that I am gay and I am thinking I should follow suit with my friend Shane and go to a church where I am not afraid to tell people I am gay.

The Loneliness of Recovery

This weekend I spent a lot of time with my mom. She was looking for a dress for my brother's wedding. She had a particular blue in mind. Incidently, she ended up buying the first one she found when I went with her the week before. Yes, I'm my mother's stylist. Shut up.
I've been trying to spend as much time as I can at home on the weekends, at least at night. I want to make sure I steer clear of any situation that would tempt me to drink when I am driving myself anywhere. The more I'm around my mom, the less inclined I am to go drinking.
Saturday, I had the car wash to do for the Storm and was planning on going to Nikki's party for her baby. When I got home, I found out my mother was planning to go get the dress she liked. I told her I'd rather she didn't drive herself, especiall since she had taken her pain medication. I had to cancel on Nikki. I figured, maybe we'll get done early enough that I can go meet the guys from my rugby team at the Fair (they had plans to go that night).
We went and got the dress for my mom and then she wanted to see if she found any shoes she liked. She didn't. Then she reminded me that she was making menudo and still needed to get the stuff to make it. So much for the fair. I ended up getting home at 9:30.
Lately, I've been trying to find people who will go running with me. I realized Tod spends a lot of time with his parents, who also live in Laveen. I text him to tell him if he ever wants to go running and he is in the area, to give me a call. He then decides to call me and tell me they are all still at the fair. Suddenly, I felt very alone. I really wanted to be out with my friends having fun. I wished at least one of them would have come over to hang out. I know I have Jesus and all and that I'm never really alone, but I would have really liked to have someone around. I could have met someone out and gone drinking, but I didn't want to do that. Every so often I do feel lonely, like when I'm going to bed, but this was different. That feeling that what I'm going through, I'm having to go through alone.
Anyway, I ended up coming home on after choir practice on Sunday and had the exact same feeling. Everyone was already in bed and only the kitchen lights were on.

I just didn't want to feel that way.

Don't Take Me There

Last night I had a couple interesting things happen. On the way home, I had to stop by the yerberia (herb store for mexicans and overly-optimistic non-mexicans). I knew of one that was on the way home, but I'd never actually been inside. I walked inside and suddenly my mother and myself feel as though we walked onto the set of a Cheech and chong movie. I got what I needed for about $5 (take that chain drug stores) and when we left, we smelled as though we'd just walked out of a bar.
I decided I wanted to get a hair cut before going out later to see some friends from high school at Ra. I walk into a salon and ask if the only person working that night could get me in. She could. Ten minutes later she calls me and asks what I want. She wasn't understanding me and was discouraging me from getting what I wanted. Although, my first red light should have been the fact that a salon was going to charge me $12 for a hair cut, I still failed to stop when she proceeded to tell me that I really don't want my hair the way I was describing. I decided to use my phone to find a picture of the hair cut I wanted. I found it and showed it to her and she looked at it and went ok with, but was kind of dismissive about it. As I was driving home, I realized that, in addition to not doing what asked, she left the side of my head (toward the top a little longer than the hair above it. What the hell kind of bozo the clown cut is that?

I also later note that the sides were bumpy. At one point I explained to her that normally I don't have to going into so much detail when Defons cuts my hair, but I also pay $35 (plus tip). The only comfort I take from this situation was that I had gas and when she was cutting my hair was the time it decided to start making it's exits. They were silent and dissipated quickly. Lucky for me, she was frosting someone's hair and the chemicals in the frosting mixture was overpowering my glade wisp scents.
Anyway, I get home and take a shower, Gary FINALLY picks me up and we go to Ra. On the way, I told him I did not want to go to a particular bar because I did not compose myself in a manner becoming of a lady the last time I was there.

Anyway, we go to Big Bang and I impress my friends with my falsetto singing along to Bohemian Rhapsody. BTW, Sarah's husband is nasty and out of control when he's performing. SO MUCH FUN!
We leave Big Bang after not very long and decide to hit central Phoenix. Guess where we end up. That place where I didn't want to go. We weren't even ten feet in the bar when someone walks in and tells me, I'm glad you're still alive, I tried to help you, you wouldn't be helped.....etc. Gary then tells the guy that he should have called him. I instantly respond that he wasn't answering his phone. So much for trying to go unnoticed. I wasn't enjoying myself and luckily the music sucked, so we decided to go Denny's. Turns out we had more fun at the restaurants than at the bars.

Funny how things start to change when you get older.