Monday, October 20, 2008

The Loneliness of Recovery

This weekend I spent a lot of time with my mom. She was looking for a dress for my brother's wedding. She had a particular blue in mind. Incidently, she ended up buying the first one she found when I went with her the week before. Yes, I'm my mother's stylist. Shut up.
I've been trying to spend as much time as I can at home on the weekends, at least at night. I want to make sure I steer clear of any situation that would tempt me to drink when I am driving myself anywhere. The more I'm around my mom, the less inclined I am to go drinking.
Saturday, I had the car wash to do for the Storm and was planning on going to Nikki's party for her baby. When I got home, I found out my mother was planning to go get the dress she liked. I told her I'd rather she didn't drive herself, especiall since she had taken her pain medication. I had to cancel on Nikki. I figured, maybe we'll get done early enough that I can go meet the guys from my rugby team at the Fair (they had plans to go that night).
We went and got the dress for my mom and then she wanted to see if she found any shoes she liked. She didn't. Then she reminded me that she was making menudo and still needed to get the stuff to make it. So much for the fair. I ended up getting home at 9:30.
Lately, I've been trying to find people who will go running with me. I realized Tod spends a lot of time with his parents, who also live in Laveen. I text him to tell him if he ever wants to go running and he is in the area, to give me a call. He then decides to call me and tell me they are all still at the fair. Suddenly, I felt very alone. I really wanted to be out with my friends having fun. I wished at least one of them would have come over to hang out. I know I have Jesus and all and that I'm never really alone, but I would have really liked to have someone around. I could have met someone out and gone drinking, but I didn't want to do that. Every so often I do feel lonely, like when I'm going to bed, but this was different. That feeling that what I'm going through, I'm having to go through alone.
Anyway, I ended up coming home on after choir practice on Sunday and had the exact same feeling. Everyone was already in bed and only the kitchen lights were on.

I just didn't want to feel that way.

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